rackers co

my head hurts. my heart hurts. and my fucking eyes hurt.

wear ur glasses racquel goddamnit

i’m readin a book ‘Life after Life’ by Kate Atkinson (legitimately 10/10, would recommend. so fucking good). the gist of the book is on the blurb (this is what reeled me in). 

‘What if there were second chances? And third chances? In fact an infinite number of chances to live your life? Would you eventually be able to save the world from its own inevitable destiny? And would you even want to?’

my god, it’s all that’s been running in my head lately. would i be so lost, so confused about where i am in my life, if i had have just made that one different decision a couple of years ago? what if i had have changed colleges like i originally wanted to (but was coaxed out of by friends who are no longer even friends)? what if i had have just started working, straight out of school, like i planned to, like mum wanted me to? would i have travelled the world by now? would i have met the people i have met? probably, it is canberra after all. but would i be so lost…that is all i want answered.

i’ve never been sure what to believe in. chance, fate, destiny or just plain happenstance? do we all have one purpose in life? or are we all literally just here because our parents decided to have sex and formed the human life that is you, that is i, that is every lost lil human bean on the planet. are our lives mapped out for us and we are just doing what is made for us? or do we pave the very path we lead? i believe we encounter certain people in our lives, in certain times in our lives, purely to learn, to grow and to love and lose. but the rest of this bullshit – the day-by-day shit that we’re supposed to pretend we’re happy with every second of every day? where the fuck does that come in to play

am i supposed to make some life-changing decision now, and be forever happy with it? or do i make the decision and completely regret it for the rest of my life? do i allow myself to become comfortable in this life, because i know it, because it’s practical – do i never risk everything, to see if it works out? i don’t know. i just don’t fucking know.

there is literally not a one point to this post, just a rant, but one perhaps a few of you will relate to. one to say, heyyyy we’re all fucked here and absolutely none of us have any clue what we’re doing. i wake up with no feeling of purpose, and i suppose that is pretty normal for a gal who’s working a couple of jobs just to get by, studying a degree she decided long ago she doesn’t want to study anymore. 

my head hurts. my heart hurts. and seriously, my fucking eyes hurt.