You know when you cry so hard that your throat, eyes and head hurt? But most of all your heart. You rock back and forth, holding yourself, while you make that god-awful sobbing sound as you try to take a breath. You just know that you’re pulling the ugliest face possible but you couldn’t care less because all that’s taking over your body is this heartache.
I sat down to write something but not entirely sure what. I just watched With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept – possibly one of the most heartbreaking TV show episodes in the history of the land ever to be recorded ever. I knew what was coming and I still started crying like a baby, Jimmy dealing with such demons that so many people go through day to day and an innocent life being taken due to spitefulness, jealousy and a soul full of hate. (inb4 it’s a tv show – I’m well aware it isn’t reality but that’s it, isn’t it? These things happen every day).
Is it a sign of weakness or strength that I can show my emotions so easily? (I actually googled this and apparently it’s a sign of being emotionally strong. Wut wuuut)
Do you believe in the afterlife?
I’ve had moments when I felt like those I’ve lost have been right beside me. Their signature smell wafts past, I hear their laugh, I hear their voice. Fleeting moments. I used to try to grab onto them, frantically searching for where the smell came from, which part of my mind their voice came from. But now I’ve just come to appreciate it when it comes around.
I have been asked if I could go back in time, would I?
I’ve said multiple times that I’d trade anything to have mum back if only for a day.
But when I really thought about that question, I realised that I probably wouldn’t go back in time. As much as it breaks my heart to think and admit out loud, I wouldn’t.
Because I know I’d get so lost in my past that I would completely forget about my future.
I know you want some answers, but what is the right answer? Because there is no answer, just life. Just life.
One of the hardest things in life is accepting that it goes on. The world spins madly on. You wake up in the morning and it feels like the hardest thing you could ever do, to get up, get out and get on with it. You are so lost, and so confused, why is everyone still going on with their normal, day to day life? How? The world ended last night, so why is the sun shining again?
I wouldn’t go back in time because it’s not fair for the people who are with me now, to lose me to my past. I realise now that I don’t need to go back and have my mum tell me she loves me, because all I need to do is look at what I have, and who I am. Every beat of my heart is a beat telling me that she loves me.
And it’s about accepting that there is afterlife for us, too, because we had to learn to live a life we had never lived before. With a hole in our heart we probably won’t ever mend, but the ability to chuck a bandaid over it and keep on keepin on.
I just have to trust that, wherever they are, it’s finally okay for them.
I’ll obviously never know what comes after life, but I’ll put my whole heart into believing that there’s something more. That, right now, my mum has the calm, and happiness, that she always deserved. She’s sitting on the couch in that beautiful, colourful, vibrant dress she left our world in, that perfectly matched her personality.
She’s drinking a cup of tea and eating a block of chocolate and she’s got her pups sitting around her for a piece. (And in this place, dogs are allowed to eat chocolate, obviously).
She’s with her sister, Karin, and her brother, Glen. And after all the pain that the three of them endured in this lifetime, they are finally together again. Happy. Free.