It’s okay. We’re all friends here. It’s a safe space. The big wide web.
Sadness. Happiness. Exhaustion. Anger. It’s all part and parcel of being on the self-love train.
We all know I have an incredible emotional range. It’s no secret, nor do I ever intend it to be. I ain’t no Kristen Stewart. Though today was a bit of a whirlwind even for my standards.
I’ve been feeling a bit more down and out than usual lately, especially since I’ve been putting on a happier face than normal because of my launch of artworks, mug designs, novel writing and uni. These are all really exciting things and I am really very happy about them. As we all know, though, happiness is just as much a feeling as sadness is, and it can be fleeting.
I’ve been trying to chalk it down to this time of the month (not the lady time of the month…..though it is that too, haha lol, soz for sharing). It’s mum’s anniversary next week, and as much of a mindfuck as it is to think that we’ve lived four years without her by our side, I can’t base it solely on that.
I just simply feel sad.
I woke up earlier than usual today and went for coffee with one of my newest and very quickly one of my favourite galfriends. Business chat, life chat, it was all very exciting and I was on a buzz from both good vibes and coffee.
I then saw one of my closest and best gals for another coffee. More buzz, secret-beach-location-scouting, even more happy vibes, I left on a high. I was feeling so fucking good about myself and the people I surround myself with.
I drove home with my music blasting, dancing like a fuckwit, just absolutely loving the shit out of everything.
I got home and realised I hadn’t actually eaten anything all day. It was 1:30pm and I was fuelled purely by coffee. What an idiot, right? So I ate as much avocado on toast as my heart desired and attempted a nap.
Of course my body wasn’t going to take a nap so easily because I was BUZZING on caffeine and my body was sick from the mistreatment. Sorry body. I promise I won’t do it again.
If you were lucky enough to watch my instagram (@rackoool) and/or snapchat story (or receive my fucking funny ass snapchats), you will have seen that I was at the height of my weird – which is pretty bloody weird.
And then the come down.
I felt unnaturally sad. I started crying for no reason, and as much as I usually would pass that off for nothing, it’s not. I cry a lot, sure, but I don’t cry for no reason. Even if my reason is that I dropped MY BLOODY BLUEBERRIES, I still have a reason.
I wallowed in self pity for a while, laid down in bed and stared at the wall. I just felt… flat. Flat and empty and sad and shit. Shockingly shit. I got my pen and journal out to write but I literally couldn’t think, it was just ‘I feel sad,’ going through my head over and over again.
Of course, because google has the answer to EVERYTHING and I feel the need to google literally every little thing, (see history: dark brown earwax, how often should i floss, poetry definition, can i eat mouldy avocado), I googled ‘is it okay to feel sad for no reason.’ okay and then I read all this dumb shit about peoples opinions, (one saying that you can’t seek happiness within yourself; UH WRONG DUMBO) and came across one sentence that said, ‘sadness is a completely natural human emotion.’
I was instantly cured.
Okay, well, I wasn’t cured, but it made me feel better.
(After this, I came across a tinder bae’s Facebook profile who is INDEED a first grade football player who HAS A GIRLFRIEND and was USING A FAKE NAME. Cue ANGRY ME because fuck that asshole [I feel the need to clarify that nothing actually happened with us so I was not the other woman, thank the bloody lord].)
(Angry me also thought of the possibility that I was catfished, so that made me laugh.)
See what I mean? Whirlwind.
I just feel like so often in this day and age, people stress ‘happiness’ too much, and ‘loving yourself’ and all that bullshit, forgetting that a huuuge chunk of loving yourself is allowing yourself to feel emotions. ALL THE EMOTIONS. Allowing yourself to cry and allowing yourself to throw a plate at a wall to vent anger (trust me, it works).
The only reason I wrote this was to get the message across to those who wallow in their own pain and try to shut it out – it’s cool to feel your feelings, man.
It ain’t weak to speak.