blame

What if you could erase yourself from people’s memories?

Would you want to? You could take away the things that make you cringe. The things that keep you up at night. What you wish they hadn’t talked about, or even remembered in the slightest.

You’re saying yes. But what if you erased it completely? What if you erased the people, the things, the memories that bring you hurt? The lesson learnt would also be erased. You might have done the same thing, with a different person, at a different time.

You want to be better. You want to erase your own memory of everything. You can’t stand the empty feeling it brings you. There is no hurt left. There is no pain. There is only an empty feeling, and you’re not sure how to replace, or fill it. You don’t know how to deal with the emptiness any better than you knew how to deal with the literal pain in your chest, in your gut. The mornings you woke up wanting to heave because you felt so lost, hurt, betrayed.

Is it all in your head? The sheer hurt you’ve felt? You wonder if it was all caused by you, no one else.

Have I just been blaming everyone else for the pain I’ve caused myself? Because who else is there to blame for the thoughts that roll through my head, the way I deal with it, the way I let it stir?

Who else is there to blame but me?

And your eyes are crying and your body feels weak but your mind is telling you that it’s okay, that you don’t need to feel like this. So are you sad? Do you have anyone to blame? Or are you just human?

Categories: Rackers

rackers

25 year old writer, just trying to find her way through the world through words.

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