I am a proclaimed tinder kaweeeen. And, for once, the proclamation was not self-imposed. I have been in a complicated relationship with tinder for about five years now, and I have broken up with it again for probably the 14th time. (And hopefully last).
It all began one fateful day in the wonderful establishment that is Sizzle Cafe @ University of Canberra – with my fav gal pal Gracie. We downloaded it for a laff and I swiped away to boys less than 2km away – see, if I was a normal person with normal people skills, I would have made normal conversation with these males had I seen them on campus. Alas, I am none of the above, thus the magic of tinder.
The plan was to have it for a couple of days. 5 years later…
(Shirts & hats available HERE)
Nah, but I’ve had it on and off for all of that time. And despite people thinking so; no, I do not expect to find the luv of ma lyf, or even a boyfriend, or even a bang. Purely just innit for the bantz.
Heck, we all know I don’t need it, and we all know I’ve gotten luckier in the months without it, than the months with it. But it’s a handy old pal for the colder months, and for the socially awkward.
As a seasoned tinder veteran, I thought I would put my years of experience to good use and help those less fortunate and (if possible) more socially awkward than I.
There are things you should do to attract the honeys – and things you should not:
DO: link to your instagram profile, so we can have a mad stalk, and also find out if you have a child in advance!!!
DON’T: write ‘I will make you cum by my tongue’ or anything along those lines.
DO: post a shirtless photo of u at the beach
DON’T: expect a shirtless photo in return
DO: have photos of you with a dog. guaranteed return of investment ie. higher percentage of girls will swipe right (science)
DON’T: only have one photo………like how am I supposed to think ur real
DO: write a witty bio, preferably with puns.
DON’T: insult women in your bio?????????
DO: use tinder to meet fun, new people
DON’T: expect to get sex
DO/DON’T: use to find the love of your life. personally I wouldn’t use it to find ma soulmate because…..well, it’s tinder, BUT I know of many successful love stories so you do you sistas and bruthas.
Tinder, for as long as it shall live, will have pros and cons, haters and lovers. There will always be those who preach ‘superficiality’; though how is this different to approaching someone in the bar? Life is a series of judging on appearances.
Really you don’t have to follow anything I say because I am not the be all and end all of love, life and tinder (shock horror).
Until next time, fans, friends, foes and fuckwits,
Your gal. Rack daddy
(ex-tinder queen) (who actually sucked at tinder)
Srs, buy ya tinder merch from my store