Looking back on a year feels weird and nostalgic and often a little empty. Where did it go? What in god’s name did I fit into those 365 days? The most momentous times of the year jump into my head, like the highest of highs, where so much writing fell from my fingertips and I made connections with humans who understand me on a level I wouldn’t have thought possible after knowing them for such a short amount of time. Seeing cities I have dreamt about since I was young and focusing all my energy on creating, making, turning the weird little thoughts I have into something other people can hold into their hands.
And, of course, the lows. A family so accustomed to goodbyes, saying yet another one, two, three. Falling into moments of wondering what on earth it is all worth if this is what it all comes down to.
On the same wave, being able to bring myself out of those depths, a growth, a necessity; one I have taught myself throughout the year of what seems like nothing.
It felt like it went in the blink of an eye. What did I achieve? Wasn’t it just 2017?
Learning the magic of trusting in the universe, the wonders of self-belief. And, being okay with having the most solitary year yet.
In it I stopped caring that I didn’t feel like going out, that I didn’t want to meet anyone new, that I wanted to focus on all that was going on in my head. In it, I became even more comfortable in being the person who sits here and pours out her entire soul on a little corner of the internet. In it, I began to understand my mum more than I ever had, leading me to feel closer to her after five and a half years without her.
And, today, bringing in a new year brings the memory of the ever-present, larger than life man we knew as our Uncle, my mum’s brother, her protector. Five years since we said goodbye to him and it feels like just yesterday he told me to never stop being so fucking weird. Rarely seen without a long-neck in his hand, and always signing off the phone with an ‘Alright, fuck off then.’ Hoping to all that is the world, that in some way, somehow, the three siblings who all left this world too soon are together and rejoice in what those who are still here for them are making of themselves. Of the success, love and happiness they fostered into their family, whose very blood flows through their veins, and no matter how far they stray, they always know where home is. They always know who their people are.
Signing off from a tumultuous 2018, all I ask for in this new year is to grow with love. For those around me and those we’ve had to say goodbye to. And for those we may welcome into the family in the coming year.
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