Month: May 2019

There are always a myriad of reasons for something to be the way it is. The reason someone has been single for a long time, or the reason behind a breakup, the reason behind someone’s dating choices, and the reason for someone’s introvertedness, if it’s not already ingrained in their personality.

One of the single-most human (and annoying) things, is that while people understand the complexities of their own lives, their own situations and their own feelings; they tend to forget that the humans around them are just as complex. Just as confused. Just as fucked up as they are.

“So, let me ask you… Why are you single?”

I remember being 21 and getting asked that question, and I’d bashfully smile and say, “oh, I don’t know, I guess timing, and I just haven’t met the right person yet…”

Being 25 and utterly sick of the stigma that comes with being the “perpetually single friend,” I’m tired of it. I’m tired of that question as a whole. I am tired of people still putting so much weight on romanticism and relationships and how you aren’t someone unless you have someone by your side.

So, let me ask you… Why are you single?

This time, I stared at him, in what I could only assume is my best resting bitch face (which probably isn’t very good because I have too much of a cherubby resting smiley face), and took a sip of my red wine.

“What are you wanting me to answer? That I’m entirely independent and haven’t wanted to settle down? That I had my heart broken recently? Because apparently it’s never enough to just say… I just am.”

He looked back at me with an almost-blank stare. And then he laughed, taking a sip of his own wine. “But surely there’s a reason?”

So I threw the question back at him. He happily obliged in this answer; cue the explanation of his reasoning: he broke up with his girlfriend of a few years, he didn’t feel the same way anymore, yada yada. And as he was talking, I couldn’t help wondering if he just wanted to justify his own singledom. If he felt like he should ask my reasons simply so he could tell me his.

Do we feel like we have to justify everything about ourselves, in hopes for the person we’re justifying to understand us better? To make us seem more human, because we don’t want people jumping to conclusions about us? To try and cover just a smidge of that complexity that we all share, so they don’t seem like a boring and shallow person. To act as if it was all cut and dry: that they chose to be single, so they are. As if it is as simple as that, to make them seem less complicated, thus more desirable.

There will always be a myriad of reasons for something; that is the beauty of the human experience. You will never fully understand the reasoning behind a situation unless you are the sole person in it (even then, you are hard pressed to understand even your own logic), and we need to stop putting so goddamn much on romanticism, on relationships, and on singledom. Embrace the shit out of your life and where you are. Stop putting pressure on why people are where they are, expecting a reason behind every little thing, and wanting the reason to appease you. Don’t forget that every single human has a world of their own inside their head, that we are each as complicated and fucked up as the one after us.

Learn your own political ideology rather than letting people tell you how to vote.

Who are you voting for?

How did you come to this decision? Were you told by your mates that that’s who you should vote for, so you took it as gospel? Have you never questioned your parents, because they’re your parents, even though they are simply human too and you are entitled to different views?

I grew up with friends who had formed their opinions based on what their parents fed them, and friends who “have no political opinion.” In this climate, we cannot afford to have no opinion. To be uneducated. I don’t care if your views differ from mine as long as you know why you think that way. As long as you have legitimate reasoning and understanding behind your choice. I have friends who donkey vote because they ‘don’t care’. It is SUCH a privilege for us to be entitled to vote. Don’t throw the privilege away.

What I find most pathetic in the current political climate is the personal digs – and what can only really be deemed as cat fights – to try and win our votes. They spend so much time pulling the other party down that they don’t actually spend enough time talking about their policies. Telling us why we should vote for them, not why we shouldn’t vote for the other party.

HERE is a list of who the parties are and what they stand for. Take your time to read through it and make an informed decision based on your ideals.

USE THIS to figure out where you stand. It quizzes you on what you find most important and will show you where your ideals land you within the major parties. Another QUIZ here that tells you where you best lie and who your candidates are in your area; perfect to understand how to vote below the line.

But there’s also this: you should VOTE BELOW THE LINE. It is so important to choose the independents you want to see running our country; it leads to a better system and more chance of it being the way we want it to be. For a better future. The future is in your fingertips.

Make your vote count.

Lauren Conrad once said one of the most relatable quotes in television history, one that has made many rounds on Instagram for heartbroken and/or ego-bruised girls.

What is it with the self-destructive, complete lack of will power, that is going back to an ex? Whether it be an ex-partner, ex-fling, ex-semi-on-and-off-person, and whether it be just going back for a one night stand (or a couple of them), or falling back into the relationship.

It’s easy for your friends to tell you that you shouldn’t, from an outside perspective to just tell you that you’re being stupid, that they won’t change, that you’re ‘better’ than that. They can’t bring themselves to understand it, but they shouldn’t have to. It’s your thing to face, your habit to change. And frankly, dear friends, it can be annoying as heck to have someone tell you something you already know (and it’s especially annoying when you don the old ‘I told you so’. Don’t be that guy). You cannot change my decisions; I must learn for myself.

Humans are creatures of habit. Once we have a routine, or a connection with another human being, it is hard to break free from it. Investing time and energy into a relationship is a lot of work, and the thought of starting over can seem daunting. Many of us know the effort it can take to get out into the dating world and even more effort it takes to form a connection with someone; you often gotta go through a lotta duds to find ya dude. Even though they can hurt you, it’s hard to walk away when they know you so well. There is also nothing to lose when you know how it will end and where you stand with them.

My body had made some secret pact, unbeknownst to me, to endure any emotional turmoil to return to that bed of his. I was starting to understand how people get addicted to things they know are bad for them, because, like a heroin addict, I kept going back for my fix only to find myself craving it in consistently increasing doses. Who the hell had I become? I was losing time and had nothing but rug burns on my knees to show for it. Was I regressing or just enjoying the freedom to fuck the way men do for the sake of selfish pleasure?
Paris Hangover, Kirsten Lobe; p. 259

We gloss over the shit things because we can remember the good ones; it happens a lot to people when they have just broken up with someone, you feel the loss of the good times, romanticise them, and that is often why we struggle more to move on. Repressing negative memories is a tool we use to protect ourselves from re-experiencing trauma. When we have made ourselves vulnerable to someone and labelled them as a person who knows us, it can be hard to recognise that their behaviour is problematic. We can even go as far as to say that you are a victim of narcissism; they know how to reel you in, to convince you that you need them, that you can’t live without them (and, conveniently, that they have actually done nothing wrong).

It’s comfort. We all know what it’s like getting to know someone new. What it’s like having to go through the motions of them finding out the weird, quirky things about you and how they will react to it. What the thought is of having to get into a new rhythm with someone, emotionally and physically. Going back to someone is easy and comfortable and you always know what it will feel like.

And the best thing a friend can do for one going through this? Just be there. Don’t tell them what to do; if you feel the need to put your two cents in, do it carefully, nicely, and prepare not to be heard for a while. Tea. Love. A shoulder and an ear, is all they need.

Is it an addiction? Is it a lack of self-worth (which, obviously, we’d all like to convince ourselves it is not)? Is it an affinity to want to change the other person, a saviour complex? Is it hope? Or is it in a bid to prove everyone else wrong?

I was anxiously awaiting the release of Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil, And Vile. I am one among many in this day and age who are obsessed with true crime podcasts, docos and books. Anything completely against humanity absolutely engrosses me, yet I can’t quite define the phenomena – why are we all so interested in it?

I was intrigued to see our teenage heartthrob, Zac Efron, in a serious role. It would shine a light on understanding the way people saw Bundy; how he was able to use his charm to trick women into trusting him, how he was able to dupe those closest to him. I was interested to see how Hollywood would take on one of the most disgustingly notorious serial killers. And as is habit, before I sat down to watch the movie, I read some reviews.

They were poor.

The general consensus was that they could have done so much more with the movie; that they believed Efron to be too desirable and Bundy was fetishized for the movie; there wasn’t enough about the actual cases, and covered up many of the gory details.

I’m part of the Casefile Podcast Facebook group, and people were commenting on how abysmal they found the movie; they were expecting more blood and gore. They were expecting to see scenes of the murders being acted out. Like, I understand it being in a true crime fans group, that people are fascinated with it… but really?

It has been said from the very beginning that the movie was based upon Elizabeth Kloepfer’s point of view. Especially casting someone like Zac Efron will show the charisma and the arrogance; he plays it so well. I got lost within the movie, forgetting even that he was who he was, and truly seeing Ted Bundy in his eyes.

I don’t want to see blood and gore. I don’t want to see exactly how Ted Bundy humiliated his victim’s in their last hours of their lives. People talk of seeing the movie from Liz’s point of view as fetishizing, and yet, fetishizing is wanting to see all of the gory details of the murders. It is wanting to know exactly what he did and how he did it, instead of acknowledging that he in fact, was a charming man, he was capable of duping those close to him while taking out these acts on other human beings, and then coming home to the loving arms of his fiance and her daughter.

Perhaps people were wanting to see more about the victims themselves, which is fair; but you have to remember that that is over thirty women’s families and loved ones whose murders are a blockbuster. Millions of people around the globe being able to watch what happened to them. Instead, what we are talking about here is that Bundy was capable of doing such things and for his fiance to blame herself the entire time along the way.

I found it fascinating, but perhaps that is more because I am fascinated by the inner workings of people’s minds, blind trust in relationships, and how you may never fully know the person you’re with. I am fascinated by the psychology of people, rather than just the facts of how someone could lack such a profound amount of humanity. If you wanted the details of Ted Bundy’s murders, listen to the countless podcasts, read the books written about him, watch the Ted Bundy Tapes on Netflix. I would still recommend watching it, but keep an open mind; we’re not here to see how he did it. We’re just here to see that he was human, and he was able to hide that he was shockingly evil.