bullshit

I filmed my first vlog this afternoon. Safe to say, it was a fucking disaster. I wanted to give it a go because sometimes my words are more effective when they come with the fucked up facial expressions I do and the stupid voices I say them in. I went off on so many stupid tangents and forgot what I was trying to say too many times, and I’m technologically disadvantaged so I have not a single clue how to edit it.

So. Here we are. Just more words.

I was thinking today how amazing life truly is. I am so lucky to live where I live, be who I am (cause I’m a fuckin ripper), have who I have (the ones who actually care about me), being physically healthy and knowing writing is definitely my passion. The only battles I’ve been having lately have been with my mind.

Yesterday, I saw two of my closest (and longest) friends; I had the most incredible day, chatting absolute shit and revelling in the company of these people I can be myself with. At the end of the day, I got in the car, started driving home, and I started crying.

Why?

Who the fuck knows.

I was literally battling with myself; I had had a beautiful day, I felt happy, but my mind was like, “no…no. You’re not happy. Remember when this person did this. Remember when this person said this. Remember when you fucked up. Remember, oh my god, do you remember that time you really fucked up?”

I was like, fuck you mind! So I put my favourite songs on and I belted them out on my way home, with tears running down my face (lol).

Every single one of you out there battle with your minds. Some to a bigger extent than others, some more occasional, some are better at hiding it (I obviously am not).

The point of this is just to be like, you know man, you’re gonna have shit days. You really, really need to accept it. I know people who will not tolerate themselves feeling down, and they get on their own backs about it or they blame other people, and it’s like… dude. That’s life.

I think the biggest thing I realised quite some time ago, but have really come to accept recently, is you cannot control anyone. Not one single person outside of you. You can’t control their actions, you can’t control what they say, you most definitely cannot control their thoughts.

The only thing you can control is your reaction to it.
(And even then not always completely. Like holla at a girl whose cried at things she doesn’t even want to cry about. It just comes outta me.)

Writing this today is not going to be some magical cure on fighting with your mind. It’s not going to make you get over the current thing that’s bringing you down, it’s not going to make the shitty days go away, but it might just make you go, “oh hey wait a second. I actually am not battling this alone.”

Like will bet $100 that I’ll cry about some dumb shit tomorrow even though I’ve written all this today.

If you’re fortunate enough to be reading these bullshit words, then I want you to take a minute; like, really take a minute. Life can fucking suck, you do not need to preach that shit to me.

Don’t you hear that, though? That’s the sound of you breathing. That’s the sound of you living. That’s the sound of second chances and opportunities.

That’s life. It’s weird and wonderful, fucked and magical. Live it. And fucking love it.

Categories: Rackers

rackers

25 year old writer, just trying to find her way through the world through words.

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