visited by grief

I have felt sad the past few days. An amalgamation of things, but my mind has wandered back to my grief. Sometimes it feels more comforting to settle into that sadness, because it makes more sense than anything else.

I truly thought I would be okay walking into a hospital, but the moment my foot stepped over the threshold, I was overcome. I felt heavy, extremely exhausted, and I wasn’t even there for me. Memories flooded back to me from days in the hospital when I was 18, all the way back to when I was 6, always visiting mum.

I felt an ache at the idea of all my friends’ mums now being older than my mum will ever get to be. I had a vivid dream with mum by my side, at 48, and she was sad because she only had two years left to live. I woke with a constricted throat and tears already dried on my cheek.

So today I will bask in it. I will allow the numbness to sit, the tears to flow. I will rest, I will write, and tomorrow I will get up again.

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